Although your instincts are screaming at you to leave, you can imagine how awful it would feel to have someone abandon you three minutes into a date. And even though this evening is shaping up to be an unmitigated disaster, no human being deserves that.

You flag down the waiter (with perhaps a little too much enthusiasm) and ask for one order of sweetbread, an order of chicken wings and a gin and tonic. You’re resigned to being pleasant, but you’ll be damned if you’re going to do it sober. The waiter gives you a curt little sneer as he leaves the table, and you can’t tell if he disapproves of interspecies dating or if he simply caught a whiff of your companion.

It only takes eleven minutes for the appetizers to arrive (you know because in the interim you check your watch twenty-seven times), but by then the conversation has completely ground to a halt and the two of you are just staring into space. Suddenly, though, your date seems extremely excited at the prospect of the sweetbread and leaps from the table, knocking two more glasses of water all over you. The shock of ice water, though—again!—is the least of your worries. Your date has grabbed the waiter and seems to be trying to grind on him or something. Enough, you think! This has almost gotten as bad as that time at the bowling alley!

If you think your date and the waiter make a lovely couple, and use this distraction as an opportunity to sneak out, turn to page 16.

If you try help the waiter, who doesn’t seem terribly interested in the affections of your reeking date, turn to page 24.